3 Steps to Stop Negative Thoughts
When you’re a person who identifies as a perfectionist or as someone who is highly ambitious, it can be easy to put a lot on your plate and to busy all day long. You know what to do when you’re busy, but when it comes to going to bed at night and sitting in the still quiet, that’s when the problem starts. You find yourself having tons of thoughts racing through your head. Maybe it’s all the things you need to do or the ways you failed or that one time in High School you embarrassed yourself, but either way it is painful and stressful. So how do you combat all the thoughts that keep you feeling awful about yourself?
1| Be Curious About the Thought
What’s actually going on? What are the thoughts trying to communicate to you?
Yes, this seems like the answer is simple: “my thoughts are trying to tell me how much I suck.” But that’s not usually it, there’s something else going on that’s leading to that thought. So let’s break it down:
What feeling is underneath the thought?
Are you feeling angry? Sad? Hurt? Scared? Happy? All the above? You were not raised to cope with uncomfortable emotions because, as a society, that’s not what we do. So when you’re feeling vulnerable and in that discomfort, you tend to go to mean places and put yourself down.
Is this thought come from me or from someone else?
When you’re putting yourself down, it’s not usually because that’s really what you think of yourself but because other people have spoken or treated you in that way before. In general, we internalize the messages we have received growing up and make it a part of how we view ourselves. So how much of what you’re saying really what you think versus the people you have currently or in the past spent time with?
2| Acknowledge the Feeling Behind the Thought with Self-Compassion
Once you’ve understand the feelings that are going on underneath the negative thoughts, this is the time where you have to be nice to yourself and take care of yourself. If you’re new to this, I know this is a pain in the ass because if you knew how to be nice to yourself, you wouldn’t be reading this.
But you do know how to be nice to yourself, it just feels really fucking weird and uncomfortable. AND you’re going to do it anyway. So if you’re feeling angry, acknowledge and validate the anger. That might look like “it’s okay to be angry because XYZ happened” and you’re going to sit with it. Just like a toddler who is working through their intense feelings, it will pass and you will feel better rather than continuing to shove those feelings down below.
You might need to get some comforting things. Is it a certain type of fabric or blanket? A scent? A taste? What brings you comfort when you’re not feeling well and incorporate that into soothing yourself when you’re feeling down.
3| Challenge the Judgments
If acknowledging our feelings was what it took to make us feel better, than therapy as a field would be non-existent. The thoughts are still going to come up and you’re going to challenge them because they are not the truth even when they feel like the truth. The feelings are valid and those thoughts that come up and make you feel like complete shit and hopeless does not mean they are true.
Feeling worthless? You’re not worthless, but it sounds like you’re feeling really sad or disappointed.
Feeling like you’re too much? Maybe you’re disappointed because you didn’t have a need met, but that doesn’t change your value. Maybe you’re not a good fit for the relationships you’re in, but that doesn’t change your value.
Feeling stupid? Sounds like maybe you’ve been embarrassed or ashamed, but it has nothing to do with your intelligence.
It takes time to figure these things out, but once you get the hang of them, it does make the negative thoughts pass through more quickly so you can go about your life doing all the amazing things you do.
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