What Does It Mean to Have Suicidal Thoughts
If you are currently experiencing a mental health crisis and unable to keep yourself safe, please contact emergency services with 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
You are what others consider a success. Your appearance of confidence and intelligence brings envy to those around you. You value your ambition and persistence and doing things the “right” way in order to get to where you are now. You’ve made the sacrifices. You have the home you want and travel in the ways you used to dream about. So why are you having thoughts of suicide?
There is a lot of stigma surrounding suicide which makes it difficult to talk about with others. One of the assumptions is that having suicidal thoughts means you are “weak” or “selfish” because others will be in pain if you act on it. This is not true.
Usually, when suicidal thoughts are coming up, it’s not the thoughts itself that is the problem, but is leading to the thoughts. You may ask, “aren’t the thoughts the problem?” No. The thoughts pop up when things feel unbearable. We are pain avoidant and can only withstand pain (emotional, physical, mental) for so long before thinking of ways to make it stop. So the real concern is what’s going on in your life that leads you to thinking about suicide?
01| Feeling Overwhelmed
When things pile up in your life and you lose the ability to manage or handle them in an efficient way, it can get very overwhelming and can be painful (emotional, physical, mental). This can look like having too many tasks to do at work and at home, feeling the pressure to perform at a high level when you don’t have the energy, or literally overwhelm of the senses (sounds, images, smells).
This can look like the I Love Lucy episode where she is on the assembly line putting chocolates in the little paper cups. When the conveyer belt is going a reasonable speed, she is able to keep up with it. When the speed increased, she was able to manage but it was a lot more difficult and involved much more energy. This is sustainable. Eventually, it was going too fast and it turned into a huge mess! While that was comedic on television, that feeling in real life can be too intense and unbearable.
What to Do?
When this happens, it’s important to acknowledge the thoughts for what they are: you’re wanting the overwhelm to stop. This will require you to check in with yourself.
When do you find yourself thinking about suicide? Is it completing a certain task? Is it thinking about a deadline? Is it chores around your home? Is it the physical environment that brings up those uncomfortable feelings?
How can you give yourself permission to take a step back to reset? Does this mean that you take a break from the project you’re working on? Does this mean that you physically leave the environment if it’s too chaotic? Is it focusing on a different sensation (taste, smell, sound) to help distract and calm?
When you’re able to pinpoint what is contributing to the overwhelm, you’ll have a better idea on how to address it rather than fear and judge it.
02| Feeling Trapped
People do not liked to be trapped, physically and mentally. It can lead to feelings of hopelessness and helplessness when you’re stuck in a situation or environment that is not support (at minimum) or abusive/violent towards you. I think of many individuals within the LGTBQIA+ community when they are in communities that actively harm them. In fact, that contributes to the increased risk of suicide in these communities - the lack of support and the isolation can literally be a killer. Feeling trapped does not just apply to those in marginalized bodies, but can happen to anyone.
Being trapped can occur when you’re committed to something that doesn’t align and takes away from your wants and needs. Being trapped can occur when there are limited to no other options. And it is unbearable. It doesn’t matter if you have that plush job with the fancy benefits. It doesn’t matter if you take vacations to ease the burn out. Being trapped is absolutely draining, exhausting.
What to Do?
When this happens, it’s important to take a step back and focus on the real options versus how it feels. When you’re learning how to navigate this, it can feel very invalidating. So here is a reminder: your feelings are valid. You do not have to justify your feelings to ANYONE because they are valid. However, feelings are not facts. Feelings are data. It is giving you information about what’s going on. If you’re feeling hopeless and trapped, it means that you need to make a change.
What are the other options?
What are benefits and consequences of these options?
What are the barriers to acting on making a change?
What are the risks of staying where you’re at?
While you may not be able to make change immediately (though sometimes you can), you might able to brainstorm with someone else on what you can do to make things more bearable. Maybe it means staying where you are for a longer time, but showing self-compassion to ease the pain.
These are not the only reasons why someone might have thoughts, but are few reasons. It is important to remember that suicidal thoughts do not always mean you want to die, but rather you want whatever is going on to stop. When you’re able to address the need, it will be easier to get relief.
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