Are You Hiding From Yourself and Others?
The idea of showing up as yourself in the world is pretty terrifying. It feels like going outside naked, exposed to the elements of judgment and criticism towards your flaws and imperfections. It’s painful being seen, experienced, with the looming sense of doom for your potential, eventual, rejection.
It’s also terrifying because you don’t know who you are in the first place; you only know the version of you that needs to survive in the world and tend to others’ needs. You make sense of yourself as the caregiver in any given situation - organizing the birthday at work, lending your ear to friends in need, and fixing problems.
It makes sense that the idea of you, as a person, showing up as your most authentic self - in private and with others - makes you want to squirm. You’re most comfortable wearing a mask for yourself and your community. You have done this your entire life and it’s second nature; it’s as easy as breathing in air.
Because it’s an involuntary reflex at this point, it’s hard to notice when you’re doing it. So let’s break it down on what it means for you to be hiding.
What Does It Mean to Hide Yourself In Everyday Life?
At the basic level, to hide is to keep certain parts of yourself concealed - both intentionally and unintentionally.
Hiding from Others
When interacting with others, hiding pieces of yourself can include avoiding sharing certain information or censoring, editing, your thoughts before sharing them with others. You get in your head as it is your tendency to do an analysis of what is okay to say and what isn’t.
It’s not limited to just words, but in how you express emotions and behave. For instance, you may genuinely dread having to go to a function (ex. a party), but that part of you doesn’t get to be acknowledged. Instead, you put on an excited face, or at least neutral, because it feels unacceptable to be anything but positive. There is no room for dread and negativity.
Hiding from Yourself
When you’re hiding things from yourself, it often takes the form of denying, minimizing, or gaslighting yourself into thinking, believing, feeling different than how you actually feel. For instance, if you’re feeling dread going to that party, you may immediately feel guilty because you should be grateful that you were even invited to the party, that “normal” people like going out, or you’ll hurt their feelings if you don’t show. You are pushing a part of what you’re truly feeling away for something you believe to be more acceptable.
The feeling of shame and guilt are pretty good indicators that you’re trying to conceal something from you. It can feel as if you’re doing something wrong, weird or inappropriate with the strong urge to make the feeling go away ASAP. The feeling of sadness or anger from childhood wounds triggers the cascade of thoughts and expectations: it was in the past, you should be over it, move on already. It’s uncomfortable letting yourself feel what’s coming up authentically and easier to distract yourself with self-criticism.
Self-Reflective Questions:
Are there times you censor or edit yourself before you speak around others? Do you censor yourself when thinking or talking to yourself?
Are there times when you try to convince yourself to feel a certain way, despite that’s not what you’re really feeling?
How often do you tell yourself you “should” or “shouldn’t” behave, think, or feel a certain way?
Give yourself permission to be curious and compassionate about these questions and let yourself notice what comes up.