I Hate the Term "You're Being Defensive"
“You’re being defensive. Do we need to talk at another time?”
There is a drop in my stomach, along with guilt, shame, and anger. “No, we can talk about it now.” My professor continues giving feedback in a one-way direction, rather than having a conversation. It’s really hard to stay silent when what they’re saying doesn’t feel true. The silence almost feels as if I’m approving and agreeing with what’s being said, when that is the farthest from the truth.
The messages I received from my superiors, thus far:
advocating for myself is being defensive.
communicating wants and needs is being defensive.
sharing concerns is being defensive.
expressing feeling misunderstood is being defensive.
maintaining a boundary is being defensive.
It’s an odd place to be called “defensive”. Shame comes from not living up to the expectation of receiving the feedback with graciousness… which has always seemed like an inauthentic weird thing to me. Why is there the expectation to receive criticism with a neutral or positive affect? Is it for the benefit of the receiver of criticism or is it for the comfort of the criticizer? Which nevertheless leads to the guilt of having the professor feel discomfort in the first place. If I had done better, then they wouldn’t have felt upset or irritated so it’s my fault. Aunt Lydia from The Handmaid’s Tale would very much approve of this mental affirmation. But there is also a moment of clarity about how I’m really feeling: pissed. Why should I have to make myself small for someone else to feel comfortable? While the criticism is not completely unwarranted, why am I not allowed to share my thoughts, beliefs, and concerns around the discussion? Why is it that I, as the subordinate, student, have to take everything as truth without room for me to process and question?
Which leads to the continuing cycle of guilt and shame. Who am I to question? Maybe I really am stubborn and defensive? Maybe I should have known better? Over and over and over the spiral goes. I hate it when people say “you’re being defensive.”
When I’m providing therapy to clients, I am very mindful not to call them defensive. I may talk about their defenses, but I will not call them defensive. I know it’s semantics, but words are important. To use the word “defensive” feels as if you’re shutting someone down. Being told you’re “defensive”, especially as a people pleaser surviving in the world of uncertainty and unhealed childhood wounds, is a way to get compliance and to make oneself small. It says: “you’re being too much and I need you to stop.” Or I’m just projecting this shit on you and should take it up with my own therapist (maybe a little bit of both?).
Defenses, I appreciate. They’re the reason why people come to therapy (avoidance, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, lack of motivation, lack of intimacy, too much intimacy, staying in toxic relationships, substance abuse, numbing, you name it) and I value them for what they are: ways of protecting. It sounds so counterintuitive, but the things that cause you distress were probably the things that kept you safe in an unsafe environment. It was helpful at the time and now it’s to the point where it’s not helping anymore, but causing harm. Thus, therapy. As annoying as it is to see these defenses come up in the therapy process, it still makes sense because healing, safety, and feeling emotions, or even acknowledging past wounds, is fucking vulnerable. It leaves you exposed to being hurt so of course the defense will come up to protect you, even though what you need is to feel the thing. I value and honor those defenses.
Having defenses is having a voice. Having defenses means that there is something that you’re feeling, something that needs addressed. It doesn’t mean you’re noncompliant or a “yes, but-er” - don’t get me started on that. It means that something doesn’t feel safe and so you’re not willing to jump. It’s survival. There needs to be something else to show that it’s safe before you make the jump, take the leap. Afterall, it’s what got you through the days before and you’re not going to abandon them because someone with credentials told you so.
I hope that your therapy journey allows for you to have your defenses seen, appreciated, and soothe so you can take the steps you need to take to grow in the way you need to grow. I hope you’re not made to feel small and curl up under the blanket of “people pleasing” because you were told you’re being “defensive” and “stubborn” for not blindly going along when something didn’t feel right.