How You're Feeling More Miserable Than Needed
You have the tendency to spiral out of control in your thoughts when things do not go as planned or if a mistake was made. It’s like a tornado of negative shit swirling in your brain.
“Wait, did I make a mistake? I can’t believe I did that. I’m so stupid. I’m such a failure. I’m never going to amount to anything. I should have known better. Why would I do such a stupid thing? I wasted my time and everyone else’s time. I’m such a burden.” and on and on it goes.
The way you talk to yourself really makes an impact on how much pain you feel. This isn’t to say that you’re not legitimately feeling hurt or upset, but that you might be adding salt to an already stinging wound.
Here are some common ways you’re adding fuel to the emotional flames:
“Should” statements
If you’re shaming yourself, it is probably because of this word: should. Examples:
I shouldn’t be feeling this way.
I should be doing more with my life.
I should be making more money.
I shouldn’t have shared what I was thinking.
This happens when you set unrealistic expectations for yourself - probably because of society and its unreasonably impossible standards, generational trauma, and unforgiving work environments.
While there is nothing wrong with expectations, there really is no “should”.
If it should have happened, it would have happened.
And it didn’t happen.
You’re allowed to feel upset when things do not happen the way you want without adding the additional layer of shame and guilt. Not only does it make the disappointment more painful, but it also prevents you from being able to move forward. This is where people get stuck.
Overgeneralizing
This is when something happens and you generalize that experience to everything. If you are trying out something new and you do it less than perfect, then this is when you confirm that you are the problem and mess up at everything you try. Some of the common thoughts:
I suck at everything I do.
I’m no good for anyone.
I’m not smart or talented enough.
I’m going nowhere in life.
I’m unloveable.
Nothing defines you. No singular moment or even a pattern defines you, your worth, or your potential. How can you learn from your experiences without shutting yourself down and dooming yourself to a life of failure and misery?
Emotional Reasoning
This occurs when an emotion becomes super intense and the negative thoughts feel like the truth. Some examples are:
I’m a loser.
I’m an embarrassment.
I’m not capable because I don’t feel confident.
I’m a bad person.
Emotions are just information about what’s going on in the environment. Feelings are real and always valid. However, how you interpret the data is not always valid or true. Just because you feel scared, sad, guilty, or ashamed does not mean anything about you as a person. Having a “bad” feeling is an opportunity to get curious about what’s really going on and to support yourself.
DIsclaimer: YOUR FEELINGS ARE ALWAYS VALID. Regardless of how you got there.
Sometimes examining the way you think feels like “it’s all in your head” when it is not. Before spiraling, you were already feeling hurt and pain.
Think of this like being physically hurt with a paper cut. It hurts to have a paper cut. It stings and every time something touches it, it reminds you you have a paper cut. Some of these thoughts are like adding hand sanitizer to your paper cut; it intensifies the pain of the cut. However, unlike sanitizing your hands after touching something, you keep doing it over and over until it feels unbearable. Not only was it hurting, but now you’re in excruciating pain.
Tips for challenging these thoughts
Notice that you’re doing it.
If you don’t know that it’s happening, how are you supposed to make changes?
Don’t judge yourself for doing it. And don’t judge yourself when you judge yourself for doing it.
It’s really hard to make change, so why be mean to yourself when you’re trying to change your worldview. You need to be as compassionate with yourself as possible, like putting a band aid and being careful with your paper cut, but let’s also be realistic. If it was that easy to be nice to yourself, would you really be reading this?
Challenge the thought and reframe it to something more compassionate or validating
Acknowledge that while the thought feels true, it doesn’t mean it is actually true. Acknowledge how it hurts. Remind yourself that you are not your feelings. They do not define you, but are giving you information about what’s going on right now. You’re angry something happened which probably means you were either hurt or a boundary was violated. You are sad. You are fearful. You feel guilt or shame. Be curious about the feelings and what led to them.
AND REMEMBER: It takes time.
This is something that has to be practiced consistently in order to stop this cycle. You’re also human so it may happen occasionally anyhow. But you can still do steps to actively lower the chances of that happening. Why do it more than you need to?