"If I Let People Go, I'll Have No One": Struggles with Letting Go of Relationships

All the growth and healing that you’ve done has put you in this position where you have strengthen some friendships, but increased awareness of relationships that do not benefit you. It can be hard to let go of those friendship because, even as toxic as some can be, they are comforting. They are familiar.

And you’re thinking of letting go, but it’s so hard.

Here are some common reasons why it can be hard to let go of relationships that no longer serve you.

You’re scared you will be alone

In your past life, prior to all this growth, it may have been so hard to connect to other people. So the people you connected with were it. Like the saying, beggars can’t be choosers. There may have been messages you have received (directly or indirectly) telling you that this is the best it’s going to get and that there is no one else who will want or accept you.

None of these things are true. Letting go of relationships can not only free up energy in your life, but will make room for new friendships to enter. You are not the same person when you made friendships that were toxic. Perhaps you are able to see the red flags earlier. Or maybe it’s easier to connect with people more authentically because of how much more secure you feel with yourself. Regardless of how it will happen, there will always be opportunities for you to connect with someone who will add to your life.

They’ll be upset with you

If you are a people pleaser or have been in the past, this may resonate with you. The idea of your person getting upset about the change in relationship might send your stomach into knots. You may have received the message that YOU are responsible for others’ feelings and it’s your job to take care of them. So it makes sense why setting this boundary and potentially upsetting someone you care about can prevent you from letting go.

And the fact is, you probably didn’t come to this decision lightly. You are in a place where you need to let go of friendships so you can take care of yourself. You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings (assuming you are not being abusive) and it is not your job to make sure they give their approval for the ending of a relationship. Because that may never happen. Prioritizing others’ reaction over your needs will lead to feel stagnant and resentful, and that’s not healthy for any party (assuming that the reaction is not of violence).

You’re a quitter

If you are highly ambitious, you like to take the challenge in your professional or academic life. This can also spill over into relationships. You may have received the message how important it is to work in your relationships, because all relationship has ups and downs. The idea of letting someone go makes it feel as if you are giving up on them, which can bring up intense feelings of shame and guilt. It is this sense of abandoning them that makes you feel anxious and heavy, because friends don’t leave each other behind, right?

That is not always the case. While it is true that relationships does require work, however, that does not mean that you have to feel like you are conditioning yourself for a marathon all the time in your relationship. There is a thing of working too hard and that is usually a sign that the friendship or relationship is not a good fit anymore. Maybe it was relatively easy earlier and you changed or they changed. That is not a “bad” thing but a product of life: no one stays the same forever. You can value the times you had together and acknowledge that this is something that no longer provides joy, but rather drains you of your energy on a consistent basis.

Regardless of the reasons, it can be really hard letting go of relationships when you’re in a place where you need different people to uplift you. Give yourself the space and compassion for doing this hard work.