When You Feel Better, Your Relationships Change
When people think about achieving mental health goals, they often focus on alleviating the pain that is disrupting life, disrupting friendships, disrupting dreams. When clients come into therapy, they want to feel better - whatever that looks like or feels like for them; things need to change.
But what is often not talked about is that feeling better comes at a price - things truly change outside of mood, perspective, and attitude. Friendships can change. Relationships can change. And this can be scary as fuck.
Why Do Relationships Change?
Disclaimer: I want to make it perfectly clear that this is not about people taking all the responsibility in the relationship. People come in with their 50% that they are responsible for; nothing more and nothing less.
Prior to therapy, there may have been relationship patterns that have worked but did not always lead to feeling respected or valued in relationships.
For example, if you’re a people pleaser, you will try to please the people who they are friends with. This becomes the status quo.
During the process of therapy, you may no longer feel the need to take the responsibility for making others happy. You are placing a boundary and focusing on what you are able to realistically do that will empower you. Which means that you will no longer invest energy in making your current friends happy. Instead, you will try to meet their needs while not neglecting your own. Sounds like a good deal, right?
This can cause problems for friends who are unable to adjust. There are friends who do not benefit when you are starting to feel better about yourself. In fact, just as it is uncomfortable for you to go through the therapy process (those growing pains), it can be uncomfortable for your relationships to experience the after effects of your growth because you’re not the same person.
Is It a Bad Thing When Relationships Change?
No. It’s not.
Those relationships may have been serving you the way you needed or the way you were able to cope at that time. And now that you are growing into a person that has space for all the emotions and room to have needs met, the friendships you have may no longer support you. Perhaps you may no longer be able to support them in the same way that they need.
Changes because of therapy does not always mean that your current relationships have to end, either. These changes can lead to having a deeper connection with your friends. It may look like you showing up more authentically and being accepted just as you are.
It can also mean that you may have to change the roles in your relationships as well. Perhaps the awareness you have gained has helped you that not all friends are able to meet all your needs at the same time. And that’s okay.
These changes aren’t necessarily bad, but more of a sign that life and relationships are not static.
When Should I Let Go of a Relationship?
You should let go of a relationship when you no longer feel that you are getting supported in the ways that you need on a consistent basis. In fact, it’s may not even be about the lack of support but about how you feel after you interact with that person.
Red flags that you should definitely think about are:
feeling constantly resentful
feeling constantly bitter
noticing you consistently trying to avoid the person
leaving the interaction feeling ashamed or guilty
feeling unheard
feeling lonely
These things will pop up in all relationships (including healthy), but when it is consistent, there is definitely a problem. You can, of course, address this with the individual and try to work through the conflict. Or you can also want out and end the relationship.
Ending a relationship does not always mean you do not care about your friend, but rather that this is no longer a relationship that supports either of you two. You can still value them. You can still grieve them. You can still look back fondly on the fun times you have together. And it’s also okay for you to let them go as well.