Self-Compassion Can Take You Far

Common ambitious person experience: being hard on yourself.

This looks like criticizing all flaws, all mistakes, all limitations.

This looks like having the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” in your mind become contracts that you’re obligated to keep otherwise there is something wrong with you.

It’s the pressure of perfection that weighs so heavy.

And when client’s come into therapy caring these expectations and living this cycle of self-abuse, it can be hard to let it go.

It Feels Like You Need to Be Hard on Yourself

This can be for a variety of reasons, but all can lead to this cycle of feeling awful and insecure about yourself. Here are some of the reasons why it might be hard to give up the unproductive and harmful self-criticism:

You won’t achieve as much if you’re nice

When you’re used to achieving big goals and dreams, it can be scary to jump into the unknown of self-compassion. It can feel as if the achievements were only made possible by how hard you pushed yourself. There is a fear that if you are not constantly being hard on yourself, you’re going to lose motivation, lose your drive, and won’t strive for the big things you want.

Kindness is only appropriate when you earn it

This is an idea brought on by capitalism; people often feel that you have to do things in order to receive kindness. Examples: a person in a heavier body can receive empathy for health conditions ONLY IF they are actively trying to lose weight. Someone who is struggling in a relationship and asking for support can receive that support ONLY IF they take the advice of the friend. It’s no wonder you may be struggling to give yourself permission to be self-compassionate, especially if you feel you have to earn it or follow the conditions.

You’re not worthy of compassion

If you do not value yourself and your humanity, it is super uncomfortable practicing self-compassion.

Why Self-Compassion Works

It’s easier to cope when you’re not judging

Putting yourself down does not lead to feeling empowered, but often leads to feelings of shame and guilt. When you make space for self-compassion, you still feel those uncomfortable feelings but it is less like to spiral out of control into something more intense. I mention this in therapy so much: there’s no point in adding fuel to flame or putting salt on the wound. The fire’s already going and the wound already hurts; let’s take care of what’s happening now instead.

It’s easier to take risks when it’s not tied to your self-worth

When you tie your achievements to your self-worth, it can be terrifying taking risks. And it makes sense: if you feel that your worth is based on success, when you make a mistake or are rejected, that says something about you instead of the act. It sends the message that you’re a failure and that hurts. When you’re able to have self-compassion, you do not have to tie in these external events and outcomes into your worth. You may have excitement and hope and disappointment, but those feelings do not dictate anything about you as a person. You do not have to prove anything to anyone; you get to be yourself and have the experiences you want.

It’s easier to cope with constructive criticism

Building on self-worth; when your success is what determines how good you feel about yourself, it can be painful to take accountability and grow. The message feels like you are not enough. This is further from the truth. When you make room for self-compassion, you will be able to take in what’s actually helpful from criticism and leave the rest. This is not an attack on you as a person. You do not need to prove yourself to anyone.

If you’re on the fence about trying to be kinder to yourself, ask yourself what it does for you. Be curious how it helps and limits the way you navigate in the world. And be curious about what it would be like if you allowed yourself to take a break, have some grace, experience some self-compassion.