The Pain of Fitting In
Fitting Into Something Too Small Does Not Feel Good
Many people in my personal and professional life know that I am anti-diet culture. It robs people of joy and peace within their bodies and for what? To be smaller? To take up less space? Nah, how about not. Nevertheless, diet culture is all around and it’s hard to not internalize the messages of being smaller is necessary for being attractive or healthy or treated like a fucking human being with dignity. When shopping for clothes, they are geared towards smaller bodies or the clothes are not as flattering on bigger bodies.
I think about the times when I tried forcing my body into clothes that are too small because it meant that I was still a valuable human being for being a smaller size. But I also think about how miserable I felt trying to force myself into things that just was not going to fit in a sustainable way. I restricted and engaged in unhealthy behaviors all in the name of thinness. And why? For what purpose?
Society Expects You To Conform To It’s Standards and It’s Bullshit
So why am I mentioning this? Because it’s not just diet culture making us fit into clothing that just is not going to fit and turning into a moral issue. It’s e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.
You’re a woman and feeling pressured to have a child even though you want to be childless? That’s society trying to pressure you to fit in.
You’re a man who often get angry because you’re not allowed to cry? That’s because society is pressuring you to fit in.
You’re in a marginalized group and you’re calling out those with privilege, but feel pressured to please them? That’s because society is getting you to fit in.
The thing with society (the patriarchy, colonization, white supremacy) is that you need to fit in despite the pain, discomfort, and real damage it causes to the people who have to live it. Just like diet-culture, if you’re not following the rules or appearing the way you should appear, then there must be something wrong with you. You’re either too much or not enough. Or maybe both at the same time. Advocates and creatives and those who challenge the status quo often receive pushback and it does result in the feeling decreased self-confidence and insecurity. It’s hard existing in a world that expects you to fit the mold.
I am not bring these things up to be a downer. No, it’s more like, I’m bringing this up to let you know that it’s not you. You’re not the person that’s wrong in this world, but rather the rules of society are what causes so much pain and heartbreak and despair.
How can you navigate around this?
When you’re feeling down on yourself for not meeting society’s expectations, remind yourself that those expectations are unrealistic and damaging. Remind yourself that it’s okay to say “fuck that” to things that encourages you to stay small for other’s comfort.
Write down things that highlights and appreciates those parts of you that don’t fit in the box. Are you stubborn? What I’m hearing is that you’re probably very determined. Are you too talkative? You’re a speaker with truths that might need to be heard. Are you too introverted? You’re a person who is able to show up best in the world when you’re able to have some of that alone time. So give yourself 5-10 minutes to really think about how these things benefit you and make you the badass that you are.
Give yourself permission in your spaces (alone, with friends, family, whoever/wherever) to just be authentically you. Fuck the rules. Fuck the system. What is it that you’re wanting and needing to do in this space that is all yours?
If you are struggling and in California
I am currently accepting clients for individual therapy. For more information, please reach out to me from my Contact Me page.