Venting and The Well-Meaning Supports Who Try To Fix It
You’re wanting to talk about your frustrations and worries and concerns to your friend and loved ones. For the sake of this blog, I will call them your support. You talk about these concerns and you’re feeling your intense emotions but then your support starts to tell you what you should do:
you need to change your attitude
here are a list of websites you can go to
here is a new job you can apply to
you need to leave that relationship
you need to get over it
And then comes the shutting down part.
Why does this suck?
Despite the intent of the supports in trying to make you feel better, they didn’t. Why? Because you weren’t needing to have the problem fixed. You were needing someone to listen and understand or to be upset with you; sometimes I like calling this the figuratively or metaphorically flipping the bus. This type of interaction can send the message that your feelings are too big and too much, that you’re being dramatic, and ungrateful and negative regardless if that’s directly said. Experiencing these types of situations enough times, it’s easy for it to become internalized which leads to other people not validating your needs, but you ignoring them as well.
Why do they problem solve when I don’t need it?
A lot of people struggle with sitting in uncomfortable or intense emotions; they try to fix it for you because of the discomfort they have with the emotions you’re having, wanting you to feel better, and wanting to feel better themselves. It’s a little bit about them and about you (but mainly them). If the people you are going to are truly supportive and loving of you, then it’s not because they don’t want to make space, but sometimes they haven’t been taught the skills to make that space. And it makes sense.
When you think about childhood, at home or in public, how often is it deemed appropriate to have big feelings? What do the adults do in that situation? A lot of time, having big emotions can lead to getting in trouble or a lecture. If we’re raised in a society that views big emotions as such, why would it be any different as adults? We shut it down and focus on the positive or what’s comfortable.
What can you do when they are trying to problem solve when you don’t want/need it?
Just because your supports are not always comfortable with intense feelings and experiences does not mean that you can ask them to sit in it with you. It just also means that there might be a learning curve (which is okay). Here a few ways you can get what you need when they are not giving it:
Let them know what you’re needing upfront and how that might look
This takes a little bit of self-awareness. If you happen to know that you need someone to just listen or figuratively flip the bus with you, let them know. Let them know you are not interested in hearing advice about solutions at this time, but you will ask for it when you want it or ready for it. If they are able to give that to you, vent away. And check in with yourself with how you feel afterwards. Venting and validation tends to lead to relief in some way, but if you feel even worse than there might be other things you need instead. (That can be for another post).
Let them know what that is not what you’re needing and redirect to what you want
If you’re already in the conversation and notice that you are getting unsolicited advice and problem solving, let them know. “Hey, I know you’re trying to help, and right now what I’m needing is to be heard and understood. I’ll let you know if I need advice.” If they are able to give it, vent away. Again, check in with yourself to see if there is relief.
Remind yourself that what they’re capable of doing does not determine your worth
Some of the people you care about will not be able to listen and understand. This does not mean that they can’t be a support, but you might have to let go of certain expectations if they do not meet this for you. Or if it is a deal breaker, it is okay to let go of these friendships. HOWEVER, what someone is capable of doing or not doing does not determine your worth and value. Your feelings are not too big or too intense. You are enough.
If you are in California and would like to work with me, I am currently enrolling clients for my Sitting in the Darkness: Online Therapy Group. Click the link to find out more and schedule your consultation.