Are Your Expectations Making You More Miserable?
I get it. As a fellow high-achiever, competitive individual, I value having high expectations for myself. You probably do, too.
And why not?
Isn’t that how you grow with your skills and abilities, by testing the limits and pushing forward and dreaming bigger?
Yes and no.
Those big dreams of yours may actually be making you miserable. Hear me out.
The Difference Between Big Dreams and Big Shoulds
You may feel like you have big dreams that you are trying to achieve. Maybe it’s a promotion at work. Or a case that you’re wanting to land or win. Or a competition that you are wanting to own. When it’s an ambition you truly want, not because you are trying to prove anything to anyone or prove your worth, it can be rewarding to get thing, to make the achievement. When these big moments are tied to your wort and value, it doesn’t make a difference. You might feel proud for a whole second, but then there is the thought of “how can this be better?” It’s a little bit like chasing the dragon.
Constantly proving yourself has a bunch of should’s underneath. If you let yourself be curious, what does your should’s say?
You should be more successful?
You should be making more money?
You should have those degrees and credentials?
You should have that house?
You should be married with children?
What is it that you expect yourself to have by making this achievement?
When you are trying to reach a dream, it is because you want to. You like the challenge. You like the growth. You’re passionate about the thing.
How Does It Make You Miserable?
When you achieve the thing you’ve been going for as an expectation, it can feel conditional or temporary, which means you have to work harder to get that security/joy/happiness/pride. It really does take the fun out of a lot of things. It can add pressure. It can increase suicidal thoughts (passive and active). It can lead to feeling hopeless and helpless, because you’re doing the things you’re supposed to be doing but it still never feels like enough.
You have to feel you are enough, regardless of these achievements and wins.
Which is obviously easier said than done. So I challenge you to give yourself permission to be curious about your goals right now. Is it for you because it actually adds to your life or is it because you are trying to prove something to someone?