You Need Community
I love individual therapy. It gives people the space to authentically be themselves without having to worry about others’ reactions and behaviors and such. And yet, it can also be this pretty isolating experience. You have these amazing insights about yourself, your experiences, and your strengths. You’re able to communicate with yourself more easily without feeling judged by yourself (I’m mad. What is it that I’m needing right now?). It feels lighter than what it has felt in the past. But, there is this part of you that feels you cannot share it. You keep these insights, needs, wants, dreams, etc. to yourself. It’s lonely and it’s still heavy.
You Really Are Wanting Connection
Like it or not, you need people. You need community. This could be your friends, your family, you colleagues, whoever. You need people. In fact, if you let yourself really be vulnerable, you know you need and want to connect with other people who get it about you. You want to have that type of intimacy so you do not have to keep all these awesome experiences to yourself.
Even in the suicide prevention research world, community is such an important part of to maintaining safety. And it makes sense: if you are struggling with dark and heavy thoughts, but your loved ones know about it, they can provide so many things. They can give validation to your experiences, because being heard and understood can be so therapeutic in of itself. That’s why group therapy can be such a meaningful experience. Community can give you additional resources, such as removing the means so you can physically keep yourself safe or providing sustenance so you can take care of those basic needs.
Why You Might Be Fighting Connection
It can be scary. Not all communities are safe. For instance, those who identify as trans/non-binary may not be able to utilize their social supports because they do not actually support. In fact, the lack of support/violence from friends, family, and community can contribute to suicide risk.
If you look at it, to have community that accepts you would mean that you have to show up as yourself. That is pretty terrifying because of the unknown. What if they do not accept you? What if you are judged? What if you get hurt? What if things change? There are so many unknowns that it can be pretty terrifying and may cause paralysis (in the figurative sense).
In order to be intimate and trust others to take care and accept you involves risk. There is no way around it. That doesn’t mean you include everyone and anyone in your community.
How to Determine Who to Connect With
Assess Who Is in Your Life
Even for those who do not have many friends, there are probably some people in your life. These may be colleagues, acquaintances, or friends and family. Give yourself a moment to truly look at the people you have in your life and be curious about the feelings and thoughts that comes up when you think of them.
If you recognize that there are some people that you feel warm, safe, or that you feel more yourself around, take note of that. They may be someone you can connect on some level.
NOTE: One person does not have connect with you for all your needs. Some people are great for doing distracting and fun things, while others are great at providing emotional support.
Test Out the Waters With Minor Things
If you are not used to showing up as yourself around these individuals (the ones that you like and relatively trust), then give yourself permission to share some things about you. It doesn’t need to be the deepest and darkest of things, those vulnerable moments, but rather something that is slightly deeper than what you have already shown.
For example: If you chat with someone about school, maybe give yourself permission to talk about your favorite shows or music. You can learn a lot about a person by what they read/watch/listen to.
Assess How That Went
Check in with yourself and how you’re feeling. If it’s a new level of vulnerability, it might feel like you want to vomit. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it was bad or good, but rather that you took a risk and felt scary.
Check in with how you’re feeling about yourself: did it feel like you were able to make a connection? Did you feel understood? Excited? Easy? Or did it feel forced and hard?
Also be curious about how the other person responded. Were they open or did they make comments that left you feeling unsure about yourself?
The goal here is for you to be you outside of the therapy room and those moments of isolation. The more you can be you out in the world with love and support, the easier it is for you to be you.
If you are in California and wanting to learn on how to be in a group, I am currently enrolling for my Sitting in the Darkness: Online Therapy Group for Ambitious Women Of Color Coping with Suicidal Thoughts. Click the link to find out more or schedule your free consult to reserve a spot. Group starts January 10th, 2022.