When Kindness Becomes Toxic
Over the last year with the presidential election, protesting for Black lives to matter, accepting a new president, and having that transition, it really brought out strong feelings from those fighting oppression and those fighting to keep the status quo (the oppressors). And yet, it does not always look violent in silencing the marginalized. It can even appear as someone wanting to be kind, compassionate, and understanding. It can be a total mindfuck. In the name of love and unity, it leaves out accountability for the harm that has been done. And it’s called tone policing.
What is tone policing?
Tone policing is when someone (usually with privilege, but not always) will disregard your message because it was not said in an “appropriate” way. This may look like:
Being told to say it in a “nicer” way
You’re told you’re being aggressive
They speak over you to correct how you’re conveying your message
The pattern is that your message isn’t important because of how you are saying it. With activities fighting for accountability and equity, those with privilege or internalized oppression may see passion and righteous anger as “hate.”
Why is it toxic?
It is a form of gaslighting. It creates this experience where you are invalidated for your emotions and concerns. When the focus is on being “as polite and kind as we can,” what it really means is that there is no space for uncomfortable and valid emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, and shame. It is centering the one gaslighting and their comfort over yours.
It is not kind to silence those who are struggling and being hurt. It is not kind to silence concerns and feelings of anger when abuse (systemic, individual, physical, mental, emotional, financial) continues on with no repercussions. When this goes on as a pattern (at the individual or society level), it’s hard not to internalize the message of what you say is not important or that you’re being too dramatic or asking for too much.
So why tone police?
Because it is easier to keep to the status quo. Why make changes if there isn’t anything wrong? If you don’t have make changes, you don’t have to feel the discomfort of growth. Or because you have some level of privilege (white, cis, hetero, able-bodied, neurotypical, christian, have financial stability, education, male, etc.) and don’t feel the need to sit with the pain of those who are actively being hurt.
What needs to happen
Some will argue that being civil with each other is an act of kindness. What I would challenge is to go beyond kindness and to focus on basic human respect. Look at your identities and acknowledge the areas that you have privilege. Once there ask yourself some questions:
Am I dehumanizing, minimizing, dismissing someone’s struggles?
Am I participating in things that are continually perpetuating this harm?
Or am I being neutral and allowing for abuse to occur?
If you are doing any of the following. STOP. Be curious about what emotions are coming up and what they might be communicating to you. Listen to those who are being hurt.
If someone is doing that with you: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. People may feel it is petty to cut people out for political differences, but fuck them. Your feelings matter. If they rather center their own comfort by silencing you, then they are not being kind. If they are open to the feedback and you don’t have to put in emotional labor to teach or convince them, awesome. If not, then maybe this is a relationship that needs to be scaled back. It is hard enough living in this world where people are always minimizing pain, you don’t need that from your supports.
Do you find yourself tone policing or being tone policed?