When You Feel Dismissed By Your Therapist
When going to therapy, you often feel more miserable after a session than before you went in. You know it’s “part of the process” to sometimes not feel good after a session. Afterall, you’re unpacking a lot of painful shit that it’s bound to spill over into everyday life. Except that’s not how it feels when you leave a session with your therapist.
First, it often feels like your therapist misses the point. You’re looking for validation or understanding about the situation, but they’re focusing on the wrong thing. They’re giving you solutions and that’s not what you want. It’s almost as if you’re going to therapy to feel like you have to make a change right now otherwise why complain. You can do that with your friends.
Then, when you’re trying to ask for your needs, you’re being asked about why you’re so defensive. The more you try to explain yourself regarding what it is you are feeling, thinking, and needing, the more it feels like a power struggle between a parent and their non-compliant child. And it pisses you off - first at them and then at yourself (because they’re doing their job and you’re questioning how this could be on you and on and on the spiraling goes).
You’re open to not feeling great, but it feels like this is the cycle every time you go to therapy. It often leaves you feeling as if there is something wrong with you and that you can’t even do therapy right. It’s honestly a mindfuck that makes you want to give up on feeling better in the first place. You made it this far in life without very much relief, so you can probably hack it for the rest of your life, right?
Is it normal to feel like your therapist doesn’t understand you? That they don’t get what it is you're experiencing and wanting?
You’re Not Doing Anything Wrong
First, it’s not always about what’s normal but rather is this working for you? Is this an experience that is worth your time, energy, money, etc.? Is it getting you closer to what you’re wanting?
If you’re getting everything that you’re wanting and needing (or even more), then continue as you are. If there’s nothing broken, then why fix it?
If you’re not satisfied with how therapy is going, then that’s a problem. One of the most important parts of therapy is the therapeutic relationship (the relationship between you and your therapist). If you’re not feeling safe and understood in the therapy room (in-person or telehealth), it’s difficult to move towards your goal especially if you have a history of trauma, attachment issues, and trouble with vulnerability.
It is okay to feel angry, upset, or disappointed at your therapist and the fact that you know that something doesn’t feel right means that you’re probably more connected to yourself than you realize. What your body is trying to communicate with you is that there is something going on that you do not like, or a need that is not being met, and you would like for that to change.
Why does this happen?
Therapists are humans just like everyone else which means there will be mistakes and imperfections. Below are some of the reasons why a therapist is missing the point, not understanding you, and/or leads to you feeling dismissed.
IT’S A PART OF THERAPY
Let’s start with the benefit-of-the-doubt. If you generally feel supported by your therapist and they let you down, that just means you’re both humans in this relationship. This is an opportunity for you to voice your hurt or concern and for your therapist to repair the damage. This leads to feeling more connected and supported by your therapist. It's sometimes called a “corrective emotional experience” and makes the therapeutic relationship stronger. Plus, it’s a good way to practice working through damage with others in your life.
LACK OF EXPERIENCE (PROFESSIONAL OR PERSONAL)
This can occur when you’re sharing your lived experience and your therapist either gives a suggestion that does not align with your reality, minimizes your experiences, or pathologizes you for your reaction, especially when you’re part of a marginalized group or have a history of trauma.
This is part of the reason why many people do not go into therapy. Just because someone has a Master’s or Doctorate degree does not mean that they are an expert in just being humble about lived experience outside of their own identity or their textbook.
While this can be extremely painful to experience, depending on your relationship with your therapist, this might be an opportunity for you to share your hurt and allow them to repair the damage. It is not your role to provide emotional labor to educate your therapist, and if they’re in your corner and you feel safe, it might be worth sharing your own experience. They can do additional research outside of therapy to gain more knowledge and competence.
EGO
Some therapists get into this field to be in a position of power, which means they are quick to dismiss your experience if it does not align with their education and training. You might hold back communicating what you’re really wanting and needing in order to keep the peace in the therapeutic relationship. Sometimes it just feels hard to say no (and not only because of people pleasing patterns), but because it hurts when you don’t feel seen or understood.
What can you do?
Talk to your therapist
If it feels safe, talk to them about how you are feeling. Let them know what you are needing or not needing. It will be uncomfortable, but that does not mean that you don’t deserve to have your emotional needs met in therapy. This will give you and your therapist a chance at working through the conflict and really allowing the relationship to be stronger.
If it doesn’t feel safe with your therapist, then skip this.
Seek validation and support from others
You are not alone in the world when it comes to bad therapist experiences. Share them with others to get validation or at least some solidarity so you don’t have to feel so alone in this. When feeling vulnerable, it is easy to place the blame on you instead of the system. This is not on you.
Let go of your therapist
If you continue to feel dismissed and they are not safe to discuss these concerns, then it might benefit you to find another therapist who is a better fit. Now, I know that is not always an option due to insurance and budgets, so if you can, great. If not, then you may need to get creative in getting this need met. You want to look for therapists who have the knowledge or lived experience that are similar to yours (such as BIPOC clients seeing BIPOC therapists, neurodivergent clients seeing neurodivergent therapists, etc.).
Therapy does not have to be an unsafe place. If you have the emotional resources, make sure to advocate for yourself.