Managing Your Emotions
There is this misconception that “managing your emotions” is about making sure you stay “positive.” It’s this idea that you’re in control of what you’re feeling and therefore you’re responsible for any "bad” feelings that pop up: sadness, disappointment, hurt, anger, fear, resentment, guilt, shame.
But the truth is: you’re a complex human being with a vast array of emotions that will come up because you’re not a robot. You are not programed to feel happy or joyful. The package comes with all the other emotions.
So what do you do to manage the emotions so the “bad” ones do not overwhelm you?
Challenge the Idea of Bad Emotions
First of all, you need to stop judging your emotions. They may be uncomfortable. They may even be painfully intense. But they are important. Think of it this way:
You know how we have physical pain in our bodies when there are injuries? Like when you get a cut or a bone is broken? This pain lets us know that there is something wrong going that either needs to stop or to be addressed. The same is with our emotions; they’re around to give us data about what’s going on in the environment and even internally.
Angry? Probably something going on that you do not like that needs to change.
Sadness? Perhaps there is a loss that you need to grieve, even if it’s just plans that are getting cancelled.
Fear? Maybe it’s uneasy jumping into unknown situations or putting yourself out there in a vulnerable way.
But the point is: there are no “bad” emotions. They’re uncomfortable. They can hurt. But they’re not bad. Stop judging them.
Listen to What You’re Emotions are Trying to Tell You
This is where a lot of spiraling can happen: the emotions that are deemed inconvenient and “bad” are usually pushed aside, shoved underneath until it’s hard to keep it from exploding. You can only ignore the feelings for so long before they make an appearance, often at an more intense level. Plus, the judgments can make it even more painful as shame, guilt, and anger can appear at even having the feelings.
It’s easier to listen to what you’re actually feeling when you take the judgments out. With that compassion, what are you feelings actually saying?
Guilt can come up if you had done something “wrong” or “hurt” someone. Guilt is tricky at times because it can pop up when there was no wrong doing in the first place, but a perceived wrongdoing by a self-imposed expectation (aka a “should”). For example, if you completed a project with obvious (to you) imperfections, that could bring guilt that you did not try hard enough.
Anger means that you might need to make a boundary or give yourself time to grieve. For instance, if you’re angry that a friend cancelled on you, the anger might be easier to feel than letting yourself feel sad and disappointed because you were excited to meet the friend.
Honor the Feelings
This means it’s not enough to just acknowledge that there is a feeling, but that you might need to do something with those feelings. Here are a list of things that you may need, though this list is only a few ideas:
Validate your feelings
This means that you’re going to not only acknowledge that the feeling is there, but you’re also going to let yourself be understanding about why you’re feeling that way. Yes, it makes sense why you might feel mad, sad, scared. Sometimes having that validation alone can make it easier to move through it and move on. Sometimes it’s the first step to help you problem solve.
Set a boundary
If you’re feeling angry, bitter, resentful, or guilty, there might be a boundary violation. This is the time to test out what kind of boundary you might want to put up. For example, not saying “yes” immediately when asked you to do a favor.
Connect with others
If you're feeling sad or scared, you might need some comforting and external validation. Reach out to friends or loved ones who are trustworthy.
Engage in self-care/rest
Sometimes you’re burnt out and need space to just not do anything. Watch TV, read a book, sleep, eat. What is it that you’re needing to do to help recharge your batteries, because let’s be honest, feelings can be exhausting.
Cry
A good cry can do wonders.
So give yourself permission to be compassionate and curious with your emotions.
If you’re struggling with managing your emotions and wanting to get support, I am currently enrolling for the More Than Enough: Online Therapy Group. This is for WOC who are tired of feeling like what they do isn’t enough (despite the accolades and achievements) and wanting to learn how to embrace their inherent self-worth and value. Click to learn more.