When You're Tired of Being Stuck
You know the feeling of when you’re stuck in a situation you don’t want to be in: staying a job that sucks the life out of you, but it pays the bills. Spending time with friends who add to your feelings of loneliness and judgment, but it’s better than being alone. Making sure that the people in your life are happy even though you are exhausted of having to blow out the fires, but at least things are moving, right?
This is what I call being comfortably uncomfortable. It’s a space where it’s miserable, but it’s predictable. You know what to expect, rather than making a change and having to jump into the unknown. Let’s admit it: not knowing what to expect and the possibility of failing or getting hurt can be overwhelming. You know how to live the life you’re living, even if it leaves you feeling things are meaningless and hopeless. It’s what’s you know.
And yet, there is this part of you that does not want to keep doing this. So what do you do?
Acknowledge What You Actually Want
It sounds like you want things to be different, so do you give yourself permission to picture how it will be different? Now, this might have to be a later step because if you’re not in a position where it’s safe to be creative and hopeful it’s going to be hard to think of how you want things to be.
If you can’t identify what you do want, do you know what you don’t want? Because that is just as important! It can give you a clue about what your values are and maybe gain some clarity on what you do want to do instead. Maybe you do not like that your friends judge you when you share your life? That might mean that you want to spend time with people who will accept you; you may not know what that looks like or how it feels and that’s okay. Or maybe you know you do not want to go to a job where your supervisor takes you for granted because you care about your work? You would rather work for someone who will appreciate you for your work and treat you with respect (sounds amazing!).
Give yourself to think about what would feel good for you and what won’t.
Be Curious About Why You Don’t Want to Change
I’ve always been empathetic to the individuals known as a “yeah butt-er” (probably because I am one) because they will give you an excuse for why they aren’t going to take action. That is perfectly legitimate because taking action means that there is going to be a change which may be challenging for a variety of reasons. Taking action means that you are jumping into an unknown. It’s not a moral judgment about you if you’re unwilling to just jump at the opportunity for change because it might not actually be or feel safe.
Give yourself permission to acknowledge the concerns about making a change without judgment.
What could this look like?
You’re scared that you’re going to find a job that will treat you well and that this is as good as it’s going to get.
You’re scared that if you put boundaries with friends, that they’re going to leave you and you’ll have no one.
You’re worried that if you set boundaries with family, someone might let something fall in-between the crack and could actually have legal, physical, mental, financial problems.
Instead of telling yourself to get over it and move on (because really? When does that ever work), this is an opportunity to show compassion for yourself and to soothe that fear. Maybe you need a pep talk? Or you need to let yourself feel scared without adding fuel to flames of anxiety? When you’re able to feel safe in your decision and trust you will figure it out, then you’ll be more willing to follow through on making the changes.
Do the Thing
Do it imperfectly. Do it with compassion and curiosity. Treat it like an experiment. Just do the thing and see how it feels trying to make a change.
Group Therapy Can Help
This is something that is addressed in my online therapy group because the purpose it make changes that are more in alignment with the life you want, even if you’re not aware of it, yet.
How?
Because in a group setting, you are going to be interacting with people the same way you interact with people outside in the “real world.” If you’re feeling stuck because you’re at a job that doesn’t bring meaning, then there is a possibility that a pattern will repeat in group that can be addressed in the here-and-now so that we can address the objections to making change in the moment. If you’re not used to feeling uncomfortable emotions, it can be easy to avoid the feelings and thoughts and move onto the next, but in therapy, it can be brought up and addressed in the moment.
In the moment, peers and the facilitator (if it’s my group, me) can provide that comfort and validation to those objections so you can learn how to do it with yourself. It increases a sense of safety which helps with committing to change.
If you are interested in learning more about how group can be helpful, contact me for more information. I am currently enrolling for the More Than Enough Online Therapy Group.