Stop Fighting Your Feelings
Many of the people who come to therapy want to have better control of their feelings. And when I say better control, I mean managing or minimizing the uncomfortable feelings: sadness, anger, hurt, disgust, guilt, shame, fear, embarrassment. After all, these feelings are usually viewed as a threat to emotional and relational stability. There is this belief that getting the feelings under control will lead to increase happiness and joy. We do not want to be in this space of darkness and sadness.
This is where the battle begins. And I say battle because that is how it feels on the inside when experiencing these “bad feelings” when you are working so hard to feel good. There is this belief that you can will yourself to feel better, as if it’s a matter of discipline. As if it’s a choice to feel “good” or “bad.” This leads to the belief that you “should” be able to get over it and move on, which ultimately leads to feelings of shame and guilt for not being able to. It’s a pretty shitty battle to have on a regular basis. So let’s decide to stop the battle. Let’s put down our weapons, call a cease fire with the “bad” feelings, and listen to what’s really going on.
Listening with a Non-Judgmental Stance
Look, I completely understand how hard it is to look and experience a feeling that you’re not comfortable with. In fact, it’s probably an enemy in your life and we don’t show compassion to enemies… but hear me out. What if you did? What if you let yourself experience your emotions non-judgmentally? What would happen? Are there things you fear if you were to be open to the emotion?
This can be pretty difficult especially if you are new to actively being aware of your emotions. If you find yourself engaging in judgmental thoughts, practice not judging the judgment. Being non-judgmental can lead to vulnerability which can lead to getting/feeling hurt, so it makes sense why there might be barriers to being non-judgmental. Allow yourself compassion for this and it will get easier with time.
Be Curious
If you were to treat the emotion as it’s own person, what might it be trying to communicate with you? Because, essentially, that’s what emotions are. It’s data for what’s going on in the environment (internal and external). For example, here are some of what emotions are communicating:
Joy
This lets us know that we are experiencing something pleasurable or something that we like. This is usually the emotion that most people strive for when they go to therapy, because they are tired of feeling shitty. They just want to feel happy. No pain.
Sadness
This indicates that there was something that did not go as planned or that we lost something/someone we cared about. This feeling is seen as an enemy. Look at how Sadness is treated on Inside Out. This feeling may indicate that we need time to drive and process or it might be indicated you need support and connection.
Fear
This indicates that there needs to be caution for there might be potential danger (emotionally, mentally, physically, etc.). This does not mean that you are actually in danger, but that you may have to assess the risk of whatever is going on and make a decision based on the facts and intuition.
Anger
This feeling indicates that there is something you do not like and it needs to change. This feeling is very activating can be used to set boundaries, advocate for needs or change, and work through conflicts. Many fear this emotion because it has been used with violence and aggression.
Guilt/Shame
This is a feeling that gets used inappropriately and in an abusive manner towards ourselves all the time. In a nutshell, this emotion is used so we do not hurt people. We want to feel guilt when we have done harm so we can prevent it from happening again. That does not mean we continue to shame ourselves after the incident. This is not supposed to be a lifeline experience. Where many people struggle with this emotion is that they tie with their self-worth. This emotion does NOT indicated anything about your worth or value as a person. Or your potential. It means you fucked up so how are you going to make amends?
Honor the Feeling
If you’re able to let yourself be curious about the emotion and truly hear what it’s trying to communicate to you, how do you honor what’s its feeling? This may look like:
self-validation and compassion
placing a boundary
engaging in self-care (mental, physical)
seeking connection with others
This is not an extensive list and will depend on what is going on for you. The most important part is to not invalidate the feeling: you do not want to diminish, mock, or punish yourself for the feeling.
How is your relationship with your feelings?