Signs of Low Self-Esteem and What To Do About It
What can cause low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem is usually impacted by the environment, such as the way you were treated growing up by family and friends, the way you are currently treated in your personal and professional life, and how you fit in with society's rules that are very much tied with systemic oppression (examples: if you are marginalized, then your self-esteem is at greater risk of being lower because of oppression, violence, and abuse experienced).
What are some signs of low self-esteem?
1. You find yourself talking poorly to yourself.
This might look like you actually saying mean things to yourself such as "I'm so dumb. I never get anything right. No one likes me." This can also be you predicting your future as an inevitable “failure”. This relationship with yourself is similar to a bully in that you are putting yourself down and making yourself smaller. You feel defeated.
2. You apologize for everything.
Regardless if there is something to apologize for, you apologize for everything. You apologize for your existence, you apologize for making people uncomfortable, you apologize to someone when they bumped into you. You take the responsibility for everything and it is heavy.
3. You do not believe in your abilities.
When you think of yourself and your potential, you don't believe it's there. While, maybe deep down you think you are capable, there is this overwhelming fear that that's not true and you find examples of why you are not capable for growing in your personal or professional life. Example, you dream about going back to school, but you tell yourself you're not smart enough to do it.
4. You minimize your achievements.
You have strengths that people will acknowledge and celebrate, but you don't believe. It feels like it was an accident, or just plain luck, but nothing on your end to make these achievements happen. You do not take any credit for any of your hard work that you put into achieving your goals.
5. You do not take risks.
Not only do you minimize your capabilities and your accomplishments, these thoughts and beliefs hold you back. You do not even give yourself permission to take risks at work or in your personal life (like that dream vacation) because it is only going to end badly (or at least that's what you tell yourself). You're prepared for failure before you even try.
6. You do not acknowledge your needs and wants.
There might be things that you want to change in your life with your friends and colleagues (such as asking for permission to use your supplies), but you're too afraid to tell them. There is this fear that you're going to upset others and cause a problem and it will be your fault. So you keep the peace at your expense; your needs do not feel like they matter.
7. You don't say no.
When people ask you for things or tasks to complete, you feel obligated to say yes all the time, regardless of your availability, emotional resources, and financial resources. You prioritize others' needs over your own and it is exhausting.
How can having low self-esteem affect your life, relationships, work, etc.?
Low self-esteem impacts the way you interact with people and the standards you have for them. We tend to weed people out of our lives when they are not a good fit or they are harming us, but when you have low self-esteem, you tolerate abuse and discomfort for longer periods of time that can lead to resentment and burnout at work and with personal relationships. It takes a lot of energy to make relationships that are not working work.
Now, it’s important for me to note, especially if you have low self-esteem, that you didn’t ask for people to be mean or disrespectful to you. It isn’t your fault. It can be easy to place blame on you, because it comes so naturally, but 100% of the responsibility is not on you. You are not responsible for how others treat you. In this culture that focuses on protecting the aggressors and blames the victims, it’s easy to take all the credit. Those who violate your boundaries and are disrespectful, abusive, or negligent are responsible for their behaviors.
Where you do have some responsibility is learning to connect with yourself to better understand your cue for red flags, wants, and needs so you can better advocate for yourself.
How can people with low self-esteem boost their confidence?
You have to find value in yourself and you have to start being nice to yourself. It sounds easier said than done, but it does take a lot of work and practice. You need to challenge the thoughts that are actually mean such as framing "I'm dumb" to "I'm feeling really insecure. I'm struggling to understand what I'm reading" by making it more factual and acknowledging the feelings. You need to take care of yourself.
Treating yourself “nicely” means to be compassionate and curious with yourself. Give yourself permission to be curious and compassionate about:
the feelings that come up
the thoughts that goes through your head
your needs and wants
things that do not feel pleasurable, safe
The more you are able to listen to yourself and treat yourself as a person who is deserving of respect, the easier to build confidence in your abilities and experiences.
If you would like to learn more about working with me in individual therapy or group therapy, you can contact me to schedule your free consultation. Therapy services are open to those in California